lol
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The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…