interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
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Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Your honor these allegations are
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…