Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
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New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”