AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
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Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?