He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
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Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.