Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
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[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you