I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
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embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
This makes total sense…
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye