1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Your honor these allegations are
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”