Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
You Might Also Like
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.