me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
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[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.