HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
You Might Also Like
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I’d love this…lol
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.