If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
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Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?