waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
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“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
are there any atheist mantises?
me, after any kind of buffet.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.