Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
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Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap