dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
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To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I can fix him.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles