14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
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Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.