Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
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When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.