Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
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Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Haha! 😂
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
excuse me
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?