Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
You Might Also Like
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
My time has come.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories