[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
You Might Also Like
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him