I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
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The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
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Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Meowchelangelo
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!