Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
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I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.