“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
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After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Only a mother’s love …
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Made something I’m not proud of
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.