Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
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It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I am a gravy boat captain
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes