I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
No Google it does not
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
This will teach them to underestimate me
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy