“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
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Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me