Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
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According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
ok hear me out: Luigiana
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.