“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
You Might Also Like
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
My dad.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away