If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
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The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.