I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
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*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Favourite diary entry ever
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
a lot to unpack here
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.