i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
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What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
i love meeting boys on tinder
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked