cat vs inanimate object
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My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
@ candidates for local office
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class