ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
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My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
thinking about a very short hotdog
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
#NoRestForTheWicked
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.