[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
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What number SPF blocks people?
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
pat pat
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
OMG 🤣🤣