On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
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Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
lol
how to exercise your calf muscles
Muppet Screams
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
fr
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us