I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
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I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING