Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
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i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
My what?
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Okay, I’m still confused…
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.