Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
You Might Also Like
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Mornin
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.