I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
You Might Also Like
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.