Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
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Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.