(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
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My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
#CoronaOutbreak
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out