I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
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Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!