My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
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I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”