“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
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maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage