I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
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When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Is this a threat?
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Childbirth is so beautiful
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”