Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
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I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
called in thicc to work this morning
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
The pen is writier than the sword.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full