*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
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Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
The Punning Dead.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.