Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
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You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Look at this
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there