R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
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The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
You can rain on my parade but please don鈥檛 poop in my punch bowl.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you鈥檒l just know
me: I absolutely will not
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat鈥檚 house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 馃檭 she鈥檚 back inside indefinitely
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn鈥檛 get the package 馃槖
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I鈥橵E BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Well, maybe they shouldn鈥檛 have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy鈥檚.