If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
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Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.